(Before I start, this is a joke. JOKE. I'm not serious. I don't really expect there to be a zombie apocalypse coming up, nor am I saying that I'm really the person you want to go to for any of the skills you see here. If you are hurt, yes, I'm pretty good at first aid, but you should probably call a professional. If you want a marksman, yes, I'm pretty good at marksmanship, but you should probably call a professional, and possibly speak to a legal council, depending on what you're planning on doing. If you want a driver, yes, I'm a pretty good driver, but again, I'm not a professional. Etcetera.)

Akira says:

Hello. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I'd like to tell you why you should pick me as your partner for a zombie apocalypse. Thank you for allowing me to write you this letter as opposed to meeting you in person, as I am currently stuck in Banoi, where I am surviving a zombie outbreak. As you know, post-apocalyptic worlds are no place to be wandering alone, let alone without someone who knows what they're doing. I may not be the best at any one thing, but when you're trying to make your food rations last as long as you can, you want to keep the number of people in your party as low as possible. To maximize efficiency, you want a jack-of-all-trades, like me.

I have plenty of experience. I have survived Raccoon City and the surrounding area numerous times, as well as Kijuju and a small rural village in Spain. I've visited the town of Silent Hill several times, and obliterated the outbreaks in Willamette and Fortune City. As I previously mentioned, I am also currently in Banoi, the site of the most recent outbreak.

My first zombie apocalypse skill comes in the form of man-to-zombie, and man-to-horde combat. I familiar with many different kinds of melee and ranged weapons and combat forms. Because of my wide breadth of knowledge, I am prepared to deal with a multitude of situations. Also, I'm Japanese. That means I know Karate and am a Ninja. Here are a few examples of my combat prowess that I have taken from your application form:

1. You are in a desert, alone. There is a lone zombie, and you can see that there are no other zombies around. You are carrying a pistol with low ammunition, and a combat knife.

a) Carefully take aim and shoot the zombie in the head from afar. No, I save the bullets for later.

b) Silently approach the zombie from behind and plunge the knife in its head. No, that's boring.

c) Avoid the zombie, and continue on That's even more boring than B.

None of your answers were satisfactory, so I choose d), Falcon Punch that m***** f*****. Not only that, but I will charge it, yelling and screaming the whole way to frighten it. What's that? Zombies don't feel fear? Maybe no one you've seen before has been successful in doing it then. When that zombie sees me coming, it will be shaking in place, from a combination of deteriorated muscles and STRAIGHT UP FEAR. It will be paralized. And when it hears my deafening "FALCOWWNNN PAUUWWNNNCH" and sees my flaming fist draw near, it will know nothing but sweet release from that fear. What's that? The right answer was C? Yes, I know that being loud would draw more zombies. I say bring it. I'll Falcon Punch those suckers too. And yes, I know that getting near zombies is dangerous. But so is getting near my fist. And running away is for pansies. Pansies that get Falcon Punched in the back of the head.

2. You are crossing a bridge. There are many abandoned cars, forcing you to cross on foot. There is a large horde of zombies congregated at the center of the bridge. How do you proceed?

a) Try to find another way across the river This bridge is as good as any, I say, and I'm already on this one. Next.  

b) Attempt to shimmy across the side of the bridge, past the zombies What am I, some kind of monkey? 

c) Hotwire a nearby truck and attempt to force your way through Maybe, but it's not bad ass enough.

Again, I feel that none of the answers truly reflect what I would do, and I will choose d) Kamehameha those b*****. Did I not mention that because of my Japanese ancestry, I've watched every Dragon Ball episode ever, and know how to do all the moves in every series? Genki dama? Got it. Teleportation and flying? Easy. Puking up eggs a la Piccolo? No problem (by the way, me creating extra me's will cost you extra). I feel that Kamehameha would be the most efficient way to get across the bridge, as the stupid zombies are already in a line for me. Why waste time trying to find another way across? And hotwiring a truck? Please. Go big or go home.

That's probably impressive enough for you. Let's move on to more supportive skills. I'm an Eagle Scout. That means I'm good at first aid and am a good leader. I'm Japanese. So you know I have honor like a samurai (in fact, I AM a samurai. AND a ninja). Being Japanese also means I'm good at drift racing. So you know I'm an awesome driver. I also carry giant swords/guns/swordguns and store them in some forth demension s***. Also, I'm part robot: my arm turns into a gun/sword/gunsword. I also have the ability to morph into a power ranger. My power coin has the image of a rabbit on it. What's that? A rabbit is no match for a T Rex? That's not what the T Rex said when a giant ball of stone and fire fell from the sky and mammals survived. WHAT. Rabbits are fast. Rabbits are smart. Rabbits are good at hearing. Rabbits are soft and cuddly when you need someone to love you. My Zord is a giant rabbit which will straight up stomp zombies in the face.

Being Japanese has other perks. If you ever have to break into a government bunker/installation/etc. (and let's face it, when does that NOT happen during a zombie apocalypse?), my affinity to technology will really shine. I'm like those hackers in CSI that slam their hands on a keyboard for 30 seconds and hack into the FBI's mainframe. Except I do it in 10. We also build robots that do everything. Do you want a robot that takes sand and turns it into a ten course meal? I've got you covered. How about a robot that takes zombie parts and turns them into flaming magical swords that kill zombies to make more zombie parts to make more flaming magical swords? Hell yeah. How about a robot that can moon walk? Well, someone's already done that, but I could do it again.

Finally, if worse comes to worst, because I'm a Japanese national, I can just bring you in with me. I'll just be like "'sup? He's with me" and they'll let you in too. And think about it. Japan is an island nation full of people like me. Zombies don't stand a chance there.

So in conclusion, I am the man you want by your side during a zombie apocalypse. If you'd like more information about my qualifications, please feel free to contact me, and I'd be happy to provide you with whatever you need.

Thank you very much,

Akira

Akira says:

So I'm sick. "Oh, boo hoo," you say, "big deal." What you may not understand is that for me, being sick tends to be a big deal. I generally don't get sick too often, and when I do, it may not last long, but it absolutely messes me up for a day or two, and leaves me unable to do anything worthwhile for three or four. I get high fevers, which means hallucinations and lack of coordination. It also means I'll randomly say things to no one in particular. And those things may not make much sense. 

For example, last night, I sent Arlene a text message: "NubLe where are you I need you otherwise there's not one to shoemt pages." (I believe I meant to say, "[Nubzle/Arlene], where are you? I need you, otherwise there's no one to show my pages.") Then when she got home, I told her that I had "worked very hard on the pages for school." In retrospect, I have no idea what I was talking about, but it made total sense at the time, and I remember being very proud of my pages. 

Five minutes later, of course, I broke down crying (yes, I am admitting to crying) telling her that I searched for her ("in the living room and in the bathroom and under the bed" -- did I actually search under the bed!? I can't even remember) and couldn't find her. 

Another story: earlier yesterday, I woke up, drenched in sweat and suffering from extreme hunger. The still-sane part of my brain remembered that nutrition is indeed necessary for getting better, so I lurched (and stumbled, and swayed, only tripping over a chair once) to the kitchen to look for something to eat. For whatever reason, I felt like pop tarts, despite being very hot. Well what do you know, there's a packet of them sitting there on the counter. 

"YES!" I exclaim, to no one in particular.

Fist pumping (or more like limp-arm-flinging) for victory and delicious frosted goodness, I make my way to the toaster and excitedly fling the pastries in to the best of my ability. Several minutes later, "ding!" my feast was ready. I put them on a plate and carry them to my room and in a moment of clarity, decide to let them sit for a little bit to cool.

Finally, they are cool enough for me to eat without completely destroying my mouth with the jam/napalm that they use in those things. I break off a piece, drooling (and sniffling), and pop it in my mouth.

"Holy what!?" I yell (I believe that's what I yelled, anyway).

Turns out, they were Fiber One toaster pastries, not Pop Tarts. Fiber One toaster pastries, if you've never had them, are actually not bad, considering they're "healthy alternative" type food, but they're not as good as Pop Tarts, especially if you eat them mistaking them for some. I ate them anyway and promptly passed out. Hours later, I awoke to find jam on my forehead.

I'm feeling better now, but this cold has kept me from a day of class, a day of work, and probably tomorrow, with is my day off. Stupid cold. I hate you.

Akira says:

I really don't like driving. Well, no, I do like driving, if there is no one else on the road, and all the lights are green. Oh, and no minimum speeds or speed limits or anything. Basically, if I could drive around like it was a video game, yeah, I love driving.

But it's not, so I hate it. I have a ton of reasons, but I will share with you my biggest complaints (mostly to do with other people being stupid).

I dislike driving because I have to be aware. I have to look at signs, keep an eye out for jay-walkers, keep an eye out for other cars, make sure I'm not running any lights, not speeding, not going too slow, make sure no warning lights are on, adjust the speed of my wipers according to the rain, and, of course, make sure I'm going the right way toward my destination. All this thinking makes me tired, and I'm already tired, so I just end up being really tired after driving. Damn you, driving.

I dislike driving because of bicyclists. Not ALL bicyclists, of course, just certain ones. I'm sure you all know the kind. The ones that yell out, "SHARE THE ROAD, ASS HOLE!" then proceed to go really slowly in the narrow one lane street, and refuse to go up on the side walk. Oh, and, of course, ignore red lights and cross the street (as in, jay-walking). Look, I understand that you're technically a vehicle, but you have to pick either that or be a pedestrian. None of this "I'M A VEHICLE TOO SO YOU HAVE TO TREAT ME EQUALLY" and then turn around and break all the rules. Damn you, bicyclists.

I dislike driving because of the costs. Gas is expensive. Insurance is expensive. Getting hit by a bus from behind at a red light (damn you, Roberts bus) is expensive, and then having to pay for a rental because their insurance company will only pay the cost of the rental, not the tax (wtf!?) is expensive. Cars themselves are expensive. I work part time, I don't have money for all of that crap. Damn, you, (lack of) money.

I dislike driving because like 60% of all the people driving suck at it. Some drive at half the speed limit. Some drive at double it. Some don't signal, some signal too much, some are too passive to change lanes, some people cut you off. Damn you, shitty drivers.

Quick thing about signalling. I generally refuse to let people in to my lane unless they signal. If they do, I'll let them in easily. But until they don't, fuck them.

All this basically adds up to me being really annoyed at the world after driving. That's when I start playing GTA or LA Noire or something and purposefully crash into all the other cars and stuff.

Maxx (Akira's friend) says:

Akira! Write a blog post, you lazy bum!

Therefore...

Akira says:

Getting "friend zoned" sucks. Lucky for me, I never have to worry about that ever again. But I remember the days. You take a girl out to dinner or something, and things are going really well. You're having fun, she's laughing at your jokes, you're being a great guy. Suddenly, she looks at you straight in the eye, and says, "gosh, I'm having so much fun! I'm so glad I have you as a friend!"

"...friend!..."

"...friend!..."

D:

Yeah, totally sucks. Girls (generally) wouldn't have to worry about this, because guys (generally) don't do this.

(Side note: I've friend zoned a few girls. I have this problem where I'm too nice sometimes. Seriously. I'll see the dorky girl who nobody likes. I'll feel bad, and talk to her, be nice to her, and in some cases, give her a Christmas present/Valentine's chocolate/etc. Cheap, "we're friends!" type stuff, of course. Unfortunately for me, she mistakes this to be "I LOVE YOU," and gets kinda clingy. And that's where I'd say, something like "we're such great friends!" In a nice way, of course. Unfotunately for me, part two, because girls don't go through this very often, many times the girls I said this to didn't get the hint, and continued being kinda weird clingy)

Anyways, I just thought of a (very mean) way to punish a person that does this to you in the middle of your date. Feel free to use it, but please do not accredit it to me, as I don't want to be known to women everywhere as "that ass hole who taught guys that fucking anti-friend-zone trick."

So back to our example. Smack in the middle of your date, your girl (or, sometimes, guy) gives you the "we're friends" line. Well fuck her (him). Immediately finish whatever you're eating, and call the waiter over. Ask for two checks (if you're feeling nice, split it 50/50), and tell the waiter what goes on which check so quickly she (he) can't interject. When the waiter leaves, and she (he) finally asks you what the hell you're doing, look her (him) straight in the eye and say (completely seriously!), "wait, you thought this was a date?"

If you're feeling particularly mean, you can expand on this with shit like "I don't want to ruin our friendship!" but I will trust in your theatrical skills to take it from here. Just use every bull shit line girls (guys) have given you in the past.

You're (secretly) welcome. 

I haven't posted in a long while, mainly because I'm busy with the wedding, which is in 13 days.

But I was doing some thinking, and I feel like most of the stuff I learned up through high school was useless. Now, I did lean plenty of stuff that was NOT useless, such as all those multiplication songs in forth grade (thanks Mrs. Reckord! It's been 16 years and I still use them!). But a lot of it was.

Cursive, for example, was pretty useless. Sure, it comes in handy occasionally, when you want to write a note without anyone recognizing your handwriting or something, but but since in college you basically HAD to type everything or risk the professor not accepting your paper, leaning it was not as a big deal as the teacher made it seem like.

The SAT and GRE are also kind of dumb, because they force you to learn all these words, while impressive if you can use them, are not very useful. I learned like 500 words for the GRE, took it, was happy with my score, and promptly forgot all but like ten of them (one of them being malinger, because it's a funny sounding word).

And it's not just what you have to know, you have to think like they want you to. I'm lucky, that's exactly how I think. I look for patterns and shortcuts. That's why I did so well on both tests right away. And yes, I'm smart, but I'm not necessarily a good student. Arlene, who is considerably more intelligent than I am, is more of a memorization of facts type person. Unfortunately, the SAT and GRE make her look like she is less smart than me, because she doesn't have the "right" thought process. And apparently that means grad schools shouldn't accept her. Dumb.

Yes, I realize that you have to know basic algebra to function in most jobs. And that knowing some basic geography and world history is useful. But I don't want to know all the presidents. I'll remember some of the ones that did something important, and that's enough for me. I don't want to know in what order the states were made states. Because those are facts that I never have, and probably never will, have to know.

And if that situation does come, I'll look it up on my iPhone.

So I don't understand why people don't want to live near prisons. Well, no, that came out wrong. I understand WHY, but I don't understand why it's such a big deal. I mean, yeah, ok, there might be a prison break, and a couple hundred criminals would be loose in your neighborhood. But I figure, one, most of those criminals probably aren't stupid, and would like to be as far away from the prison as possible, not committing crime right by it, and two, they're people, so as long as you're not all flashy with your money and possessions, they're probably not going to choose your house to break into. I mean, there's still a chance, but yeah.

What really confuses me is that people want to live near gas stations, over living near a prison. Yes, it's very convenient to live near a gas station. I live near one, and it's nice to be able to quickly get gas on the way from or back from work. However, I also live in a place where there are storms relatively frequently. Storms have strong wind, wind can knock down power lines, power lines carry electricity, which can cause gasoline to ignite, which would cause an explosion. Explosions are indiscriminate, they don't care if you're poor, or hide your wealth well, or live near a prison, they will mess you up. And where a criminal may just steal some money from you, and probably not hurt you as long as you don't do anything stupid, an explosion will straight up just kill you, if not injure you. Not to mention they cause fires, which will spread, also hurting people and their possessions.

Yeah.

So the iBooks App comes with Winnie the Pooh as a sort of demo book. I read through it. It brought me back to days when imagination could create entire worlds (in other words, now).

However, something struck me. Everyone in this book is crazy. Like mentally disturbed in some way. And I really started thinking about it (possibly too hard), and seriously, each character represents some sort of mental disability.

Christopher Robin is easy. He obviously talks to dolls and thinks they live in the woods. Schizophrenic.
Eeyore's even easier: depression.

Pooh either suffers from Asperger's Syndrome, or an eating disorder. Or maybe both. Or maybe ADD.
Tigger's got a bad case of ADHD.

Rabbit seems to suffer from severe paranoia, or OCD.

I think Kanga and Roo are actually the same entity, just suffering from split personality disorder. Kanga is the good, level headed one, where Roo is mischievous and impulsive. Also, Kanga's the only female in the series...
Owl's an egomaniac, he's always offering advice even if the other characters don't want it. Also: dyslexic.

Piglet's got serious self-esteem issues, not to mention his super anxiety disorder. And stutter.

Gopher's got a knack for building things and then destroying them. I dunno what that is but he needs to pick one or the other. Bipolar?

Yup.

Akira says:

Facebook is creepy. As are Photobucket, MySpace, basically any networking-type site that allows you to post photos of yourself. I mean, I'm sure many of you have realized this. Creepy old men and pre-pubescent girls can become best friends because they're both acting like teenaged semi-goth emo kids. But have you ever really thought about what these sites are like, in the real world?

For example, let's say a girl posts a picture of herself in a bikini. It is very common that some rando will comment, saying something along the lines of "da-yuuummm girl you FINE!" Creepy, yes, annoying, yes, but easily ignored. But what is this action like, sans the internet? This would be like the guy sneaking into your house, looking through your photo albums, and stealing that photo. Then, next time you see him -- which will be very soon, because although you barely know him (he's a friend of a friend who friend came up to you one day, briefly mentioned your mutual friend, and then asked you, "hey, wanna be friends?"), he kinda stalks you, keeping up with whatever happens during the day, and, of course, looking at all your photos -- he tells you how hot you look in it.

This also applies to seemingly innocent "you look cute!" comments. A lot of the time, I feel like the people that post these comments would never say it in real life. They get to hide behind the intarwebs.

I brought up another problem with these sites. ANYONE can request you as a friend. I have like 45 friend requests just sitting in my requests page on Facebook, and that's just the ones that I can't be assed to ignore. Granted, I do know some of them, but let's say 40 are complete strangers. maybe like 15 of them have a mutual friend (which doesn't make them any less of a stranger to me), and the rest are completely unrelated to any aspect of my life. One wrote a message along with the friend request, asking me if we can be "fwenz on fb also :3." I'm not even sure what they mean by "also," as we have no mutual friends, I took a look at their page and don't recognize them, and, well, they're located in the Middle East, an area of the world I have very few connections to. Still, I gave them the benefit of the doubt (I do have friends from all over the world, having attended an international school), and searched around on their page more. Nope. I am quite sure I have never met, let alone been friends with in real life, this person.

If a random person came up to me in the street and asked me if we could be friends (complete with the :3 face), I'd be kinda weirded out. The last time I directly asked someone if they wanted to be friends with me was when I was like 4.

Another thing that really weirds me out about these sites is that information travels so damn quickly, and to everyone. I say "happy birthday!" or whatever to people with whom that is my only communication. That guy I met once at that one part-time job got engaged? Congratulations! And these conversations are always so awkward, not to mention the same, every time.

"Hey! Happy birthday!"

"Thanks! Man, we haven't talked in years! How have you been?"

"Good! <insert updates from life>."

"Wow! Sounds great! <insert updates from life>."

"Cool! We should hang out next time we're both home!"

"Definitely!"

And, of course, this never happens. Can you imagine what it'd be like if everyone you ever met called you up to tell you happy birthday? And even the ones you never met (like my apparent friend from the Middle East)? As soon as you hang up with one person, you'll have another call waiting for you. Faxes, snail mail, everything will be overflowing with awkward wishes of a happy birthday. 

But, of course, none of these people will actually give you a gift or anything. It's the thought that counts, after all.

Of course, despite how creepy these sites can be, I use them. Hell, I'm doing some of Arlene and my wedding planning on Facebook. It's a good way to keep in touch with people, without that awkward, "hey, can I get your phone number/e-mail address?" Then again, actually taking someone's contact information off of Facebook without asking is like sneaking their phone from their bag and figuring out their number.

I'm socially awkward. I mean, I suppose for the most part, most people would not notice (I'm also a moderately talented actor, and I have quick wits). However, while you may see a smiling, mostly-confident guy telling jokes and stuff, like 75% of the time, I'm in mega-panic mode inside, desperately trying not to screw up whatever social interaction I'm in. Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy talking to interesting people, but one of my greatest fears is to totally mess up and look like a fool. So here are a list of my least favorite outcomes from common social interactions.

Saying goodbyes... and ending up walking in the same direction

"What's up?"
"Good."
OR
"How are you?"
"Not much."

When the teacher asks the class to find a partner. And everyone knows everyone. Except you. And there are an odd number of people.

You make a wrong turn while walking. That's ok, pretend to answer your phone, act like something urgent came up, and turn around. Right into someone.

When someone shows you a funny video or picture. And it's not funny. So you fake laugh at the parts they laugh at.

When someone says something in a loud area so you don't hear what they say. So you smile and nod. Dammit, they were asking you a question.

Reaching out to shake someone's hand. They're standing too close.

You're in an elevator with a stranger. No problem, you'll just pretend to text. Crap, you forgot your phone, and now you're just digging around in an empty pocket.

When you're in a locked bathroom stall, and someone tries to open the door. Confident that they will get the idea that it's being used, you stay silent. And so they try again.

Waving at someone you know. They don't see you.

Smile at someone's baby. Then they notice you and get freaked out.

You stand up from a chair, and it "farts." So you purposefully drag the chair around to make it do it again.

When someone gives you a gift they're very proud of. And so you open it. What the hell is it?

Someone asks you a question. Right as you take a huge bite of your food.

"Enjoy the movie!"/"Have a good flight!"/"Thanks for shopping at ______!"
"You too."